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Feivel

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we were always going back [Aug. 17th, 2010|11:58 pm]
Feivel
neglecting. i've been neglecting so many things, and picking poorly in some sense.

patterns repeat themselves with reason, they simply have no idea how to do something else.

i feel not myself anymore. but how am i not myself?


i feel alone in a room filled with people, yet somehow i'm content. balancing on the edge of happiness. i need something new, refreshing, or reinvigorating.


breaking patterns don't work, but what about bending them to your will?
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mighty tastey good [Jul. 18th, 2010|02:50 am]
Feivel
broke the curse. a year too long. rejoice.

time for better things. tonight went just the right way, regardless of what my plan was.



six feet under is complete. god damn, go watch that show. i can't stress how awesome it really is. makes me happy.
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self reflection is masturbation [Jul. 6th, 2010|01:17 am]
Feivel
masturbation is making love with yourself. if only if were that simple right.

i could vent of all the dumb things going on in my life, like being super broke and not knowing if i'll ever get it right. but i don't like wasting my time or yours on stupid shit that doesn't really change by talking about it.


summers been going good. new prospects makes me happy, and no hair on the chest is a green flag for go.


i'm lost, but soon i think i'll be found once more. the pattern never changes, but that's why there's hope.



i still am confused as to why so many people fear death. also i find it a bit disturbing that i'm one of the few who doesn't mind the concept of the whole process. the only things i fear are spiders and heights, an never finding true love if it even is out there. at least i've got that going for me.

commence the laughter that saved us all.
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hookay [Jun. 29th, 2010|03:08 am]
Feivel
so last tuesday, june 22nd, 2010, i woke up to turn my cell phone alarm off. i used my right arm to reach over to my right side, i was lying on my back. just to paint the picture for you. right as i reached over my arm dislocated out of the socket. i rolled onto my side, yelped for jay but it didn't reach. so i put on shorts and stumbled out of my room and woke him up by telling him he needs to drive me to the ER.

it took me 40mins to get into a car so he could drive me to get it popped back in place. his car didn't work cuz the seat didn't have enough room for me to be in an awkward crouch position. it was hard to get into my car for almost the same reason, just the seat was curved up and i just couldn't sit comfortably. luckily next door katie and rob were standing outside doing whatever. they noticed my troubles with our cars so they said if i could get into katie's little van car thing then we could borrow it. it had enough room and finally we were on our way.

arriving there three different people all told me to get into the wheelchair, little did they understand i was only crouching because you can't stand up proper without pain when dislocating your shoulder. i almost yelled at the last person for telling me about the wheelchair. we got me checked in, they laid me face first on a bed having my arm over the side and hooked up an iv. they gave me some morphine which just dulls the pain, it's nice but not even enough to take all the pain away. just kind of puts it to the side of your thoughts but the pressure is still there.

now as most of you know or might remember i had surgery last august because i've dislocated the same arm twice an sub located it twice. it was supposed to prevent future dislocations, but sadly didn't prevent this one time. i've felt my arm tug and had i not taken the surgery i think i would have already dislocated it way before june. though thanks to the surgery this dislocation was the worst one yet, the pain was triple at least.

so of course they tried something new to let the arm slide back into place. they pulled and flexed the muscles, it did give a little relief but didn't fix it. they even put a 5 pound weight an tied it to my wrist hoping it'd pull it back into place. didn't work. so finally they drugged me up on the brink of unconsciousness, the same thing that had to happen twice before for them to get it back in for me. the last two times once i was taken to this part i couldn't tell what was going on with my arm, just couldn't feel the pain or anything anymore.

this time i was well aware of the pain. it didn't hurt like normal pain because of the drugs they gave me, but when they started pulling it around to get it in socket i screamed out in agony. it was the weirdest thing, it was like the pain wasn't there but my brain said scream.

after that i missed out on my chance to get percocet and they gave me vicodin instead.

my surgeon from last year surgery said i should consider having another operation only this time he'll tighten up the area as much as possible to prevent more dislocations. otherwise i'll keep dislocating it. though i have a feeling either way i'll dislocate it again and again, it's going to be a reoccurring thing throughout my life sadly. but from knowing that the first surgery has saved me from at least 3 times from dislocating more surgery will definitely save me from the next 5 attempts.

i just don't wanna be out for another month in the summer time back to back years. last 3 years, 3 dislocations all in june. june 6th 2008, june 4th 2009, and now june 22nd 2010. whats next, june 17th 2011? fuck i hope i didn't just call it...


anyway, out of work for another week still, and then i get to work out my joint. prolly gonna get surgery in august again, but i gotta wait to sign up for JC classes that way i get insurance to cover most of the surgery...again.
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opps i did it again [Jun. 24th, 2010|01:22 am]
Feivel
tuesday morning, 10:20am. i woke up to shut off my cell phones wake up alarm, dislocating my right shoulder in the process.

surgery didn't fix it enough, just made it worse pain this time.

once i take the sling off and it doesn't suck to type i'll write out all the awesome details this one was.


i could consider more surgery lol.
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i was on a train [May. 26th, 2010|07:25 pm]
Feivel
too many days off work makes me get cabin fever. it's sad that work is one of the only things i have to look forward to, that and saving more money.

fanime this weekend should be awesome. tons of people don't like how i'm running off for my birthday weekend, but i've wanted fanime since i was a jr. in high school so it's time to board the train finally. i just hope i can find a bar near where i'm staying so i can at least get a drink on my birthday. guess a store would work just as well.

but i will have a birthday party on june 5th, invite only. no random big ass thing, gonna stay strictly invites. with that being said anyone here on LJ is obviously welcome to attend, you'll be on the list. hopefully it wont go more than 30 people. i do not need a rager on my birthday with cops, cuz i know the next big party i have my neighbors will call the police on us haha.

lost is finally over, good riddance. tired of flashbacks, forwards and sideways...if only they could flash upwards they'd have most directions covered. i did like how they close the whole thing with just a shot of jacks eye closing. (the first episode started with jacks eye opening.)

work tomorrow mornin, then leaving on friday morning for awesomefuntime. best part is a whole weekend of escaping unwanted things. soon everything will matter again.
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lost [May. 21st, 2010|12:33 am]
Feivel
not much to report in today captain. first copy of red dead redemption got scratched by my xbox not even 30 hours after getting the game. luckily james at windsor gamestop gave me a new one. hella legit, jammes is the man and this is me giving him a shout out.

picked up the real axe, busted out some white stripes' st ides of march. then got destroyed by led zeppelins' the crunge.

red dead is going good. free roam is pretty legit, i've been neglecting my single player.

things in life, not much has changed. still playing the same game.


risk soon.


saturday is brandons engagement bbq. free booze i suppose, mikes hard no doubt. fuuun weekend ahead.


oh and i hate phones and everything they stand for.
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surprised again? [May. 7th, 2010|01:48 am]
Feivel
so even though i paid for my plane ticket they wanted to charge me to use it so soon. wish i could have paid it off sooner to plan my trip better. no florida for me. =( and no visiting sara which is worse! T_T i was looking forward to the trip for so long and today some guy in india had to crush my vision.

now i've got three days off and one of those days i wont have anything to do. the other two i'll at least have red dead redemption to lose myself in.

watched paper heart today, it was good. though it did seem kinda fake but i liked the message behind it.

works still work. i hate that i don't do much other than work. ok that's not true, i do hang out with a lot of really awesome people which is dope. but at the sametime it just feels like all i do is work and nothing more.

i wish i had more money so i could just go bar hopping.


i'm tired of being a puppet so i'm not gonna let the strings make my moves for me anymore. if you wanted my strings you would do more than just play with them to amuse yourself or to get me to do something that somehow helps you. last time i fall into that routine.

it's funny how many times we can learn the same lesson and keep going without it. of course when you do that it'll keep slapping you in the face until you really accept it, and only then will you benefit from it.


vista hates EQ more than XP does. nothing went right today.
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slamming my head on the keyboard [Apr. 15th, 2010|02:14 am]
Feivel
that's how i use the internets. just watched spike jonze's newish short I'm Here. i liked it a lot, and it makes me sad we don't live amongst robots peacefully.

after almost dying from this damned cold i've decided to quit smoke cigs for a while. costs too much money, i should be spending on better things to smoke. =3

tax return was more than i expected which is nice.


i hate the fact that i hate how little i actually do. it's like i'll complain about it, but i wont fucking change a ounce of it. how stupid could one be? i don't have any money so i let my focus stay on trying to make more by working more, then i hate working on the other side of the fence. i just don't see the point in making us waste our life working for green paper when we could be doing anything else...oh but you need green paper to do those really awesome things that everyone wants to do.


lately i find myself pondering over a possible vasectomy in my future. sure having my "own" kids would be cool, but as you all know i believe in 20 years we'll be so over populated it wont even be funny. so why add to the problem or let myself have a chance to add. just get the surgery and i wont ever have to worry about being apart of the problem. also i'd only need a condom for STI purposes so that's kind of a plus. (plus i doubt i'd go sleeping around with anyone with an STI or STD for that matter, tho you can never tell but how many times do i go out and sleep with strangers...)

which kind of sucks, i don't go around bars to pick up girls to have sex with them like most guys do. or at least claim to do. but then by being against random sex encounters i limit myself only to relationship sex encounters. and as we all know those don't exist for me these years. which further aggravates me because not to push my own button but i'm pretty damn good at sex, just ask the 4 women who i've shown that to. maybe one of them will actually admit they had it with me lol.

this post is getting kinda weird. but fuck it, it's what i'm thinking about so now you get to read about it.

more and more i wish i could be a song writer, but i'm no writer at all so why do i keep having the urge to be one.

i think love is the unobtainable factor of my life right now and it just has to stay that way.


last little tid bit. a man once wanted to know everything, like literally every single thing to know about life. one day through a very random event with such little probability of actually happening he was granted his wish. can you guess with having all the knowledge ever what his final wish would be? once he knew everything the only thing he didn't know was death, because that's the opposite side of everything there is to life, which oddly enough was the one and only thing he still knew absolutely nothing about. once driven to no ends to know so much, now he finds he seeks only death. the moral of the story: once you get what you've always wished for you'll only find yourself wishing for something else. how greedy must we humans be.
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really? [Apr. 9th, 2010|02:56 am]
Feivel
i don't really have much productivity to speak of, and the only words i want to share no one should care to listen to. why use verbal communication if it's not true? what's the point in saying something then going against it after the moment has passed? sure we're all hypocrites, but not nearly as bad as you.

i hate that the thought goes like this : "there wont be another." when really it should sound like : "there wont be another like that one, and that's a good thing!"

i hardly believe in the myth of a soul mate. it just isn't probable these days. no one will make you as happy as yourself does.


the only love you cant have is the only love you have.
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